Kamis, 01 Juli 2021

Is it that time of the year again?


Tahun lalu di waktu-waktu ini lagi ngapain ya saya... 

Masih di kantor lama, masih ngeshift seperti biasa. Masih menunggu-nunggu orang yang sama. Heheheheheheheh. Masih selalu dengan girang updet ke Junita kalau ada hal-hal anu xD

Tahun ini jelas sudah berbeda. Saya sudah tidak di kantor lama, tapi masih tetap ngeshift seperti biasa, sih. Dan sekarang saya sudah tidak lagi menunggu-nunggu orang yang dulu selalu saya tunggu, ngga tau juga pastinya sejak kapan saya tidak lagi maktratap kalau liat dia di timeline. Perhaps my heart's changed. Perhaps I've left all those feelings behind. Melepas perasaan saya ke semesta. 


...yang saat ini kok sepertinya malah balik lagi ya? 

Tapi tentu saja bukan dengan orang yang sama.

Tahun baru. Wajah baru. Orang-orang baru. Perasaan baru. Kecemasan baru. 



Kebiasaan memang kalo lagi ga ada yang bikin menganu, bingung. Eh tapi kalo ada, ntar jadi pusing sendiri. Kebayang diomelin Maila, 

"Gausah ngadi-ngadiiiii!"

Dah paling bener emang diem-diem aja aman sentosaaaaa. Etapi yo jenenge kenseeeeeer... Mana bisaaaaarrrghh.

Faded, into your charm
Couldn't do any harm
Lifted, above ground
No, I didn't see anyone

Oh, you're superfine
I can't pretend
Say what you will
I just don't mind


Sudahlah, sambil jalan lagi aja. Pikir keri. Setengah tahun pertama penuh dengan hal-hal baru, dan kerap kali baik. Di sisa tahun ini, akan ada apalagi ya? Semoga semua teman-teman saya sehat dan selalu dalam lindungan Gusti. Hari-hari ini, selain usaha, sepertinya doa adalah kunci. Mugi Gusti ngijabahi.

Mat pagy, mat beraktivity.


You're superfine, I can't pretend. Say what you will, I'll be around.

Minggu, 31 Januari 2021

What's up?

"Why can't I remember my old self in the past?
The past. When was that? The past.
When we met what kind of person was I?
I don't remember how I used to be. When I made a decision about something, I don't remember what's been on my mind. Why can't I remember it? It's scary."

Beberapa hari lalu baru menyelesaikan drama berjudul Be Melodramatic rekomendasi seorang teman. Dan salah satu tokohnya mengutarakan pertanyaan-pertanyaan tersebut pada dirinya sendiri in a retrospective manner. And I wonder..... (when I sing along with youuuuu~) Ngaaa deng wqwq. And I wonder,

25 years and my life is still
Tryin' to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

What kind of person was I? Why can't I remember it? Why can't I?

Unsplash

Ini bukan usaha pertama saya berusaha menulis kembali di blog ini setelah sekian lama, sebelumnya sudah beberapa kali saya memulai, namun selalu hanya berakhir dalam folder draf. Kemudian ketika saya membuka blog ini lagi dan melihat draf-draf tersebut, ada perasaan asing yang menyeruak ke permukaan. Saya... tidak terlalu ingat mengapa saya menulis draf tersebut. Tidak ingat bagaimana perasaan saya saat menuliskannya. Tidak ingat ada kejadian apa. Tidak ingat apa yang saya pikirkan saat mulai mengetiknya. Saya tidak ingat diri saya.

I don't know whether I'll be able to finish this one too, but let's just try for now. I think that's enough. As for those drafts, I won't let them go in vain so I'll post them right below here. So that when I actually manage to finish writing this very post, fingers crossed, I'll be able to look back and at least try to reminisce. Here goes nothing.

Selasa, 08 September 2020

lost years.

Hi. I haven't been back here since what, 2017? And by 'back', I mean reaaaaaally back, not just here to post some shitty, sometimes totally unnecessary updates about my non-existent love life. By which some of the posts basically were just copied from my other blog I created out of the trope I've been holding dear in my 25-years-long life, yes you read that right I am now 25 whatthefuckingfuck, but anyway yeah the I-romanticize-the-hell-outta-everything trope you all know so well. 

Mooooving on.

But that's the thing, though. Moving on. To move on. To move forward. Why do we only bring it up after we're faced with some fundamental and almost always but not every time, heartbreaking events--which even some might say, turning points in our life? I don't know, I'm not really in the right state to write anything longer than some paragraphs right now, but here's what I'll say for the moment:

Moving on is constant. It's always happening. We're always on the move, aren't we?


...am I?

We dreamt our pencil wrote backwards
We could look forward
To finding our lost year

I am scared. Utterly terrified. Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up.

Minggu, 31 Mei 2020

Jemuah, 29 Mei 2020 // You, just like heaven.

I hate you for what you did
And I miss you like a little kid

Wow, terakhir ngepost di sini sudah setahunan lebih. A lot has happened since then. For starter, I finally met you. In person. :)

I'm not quite sure about the technicality of how the meeting--no, scratch that, the rendezvouz, unfolded. I was always teasing you about the possibility of a meet-up, but all those times I was bluffing. Big time. Because I know for sure you'd shiver at the mere thought of meeting me in person, hhe. So I teased, quite relentlessly, if my memory serves me. And as expected, you'd shut down every possible meet-up scenario I'd proposed. So that's that, everybody's happy as a clam.

Then some time in the past few months, we began talking again. We reconciled. You weren't mad at me anymore, and we did some catching up. How I've missed you, B. I kept checking up that platform just to see if you were still there. You were, but I had no guts to text you since the last time we talked. Until one day I just did, and you replied. The rest is history.

Kemudian kita (insert: obligatory HAH?? KITA???? sfx) ngobrol lagi kayak dulu. Mind you, I was quite surprised that you even began to open up to me again about your private life. I'm always gonna be eternally grateful for that. Until I messed it up. A little. Lol. Sorry. 

But moooooving on.

Minggu, 27 Januari 2019

to whom it may concern: pt. 7


I don't know you, but I want you. All the more for that.

Who would've thought those particular lines of lyrics from one of my favorite songs could perfectly describe what I'm feeling right now? Certainly not me. But it doesn't change the fact that they do. Oh they fit my feelings just fine.

So I guess this is the part where I would go on and tell the story of how we met, huh? But the funny thing is, we haven't met each other. At all. Well... I suppose, that's not exactly true. Technically it is, but figuratively it's not. Does that make sense? To you, of course it does. You don't need me retelling the story of how you and I met, do you? Let that be our story to remember. Umm no, scratch that, I mean, mine. Let that be my story to remember. Geez, Louise. Who am I, having the audacity to even use the wrong pronoun?

But... Well... Okay, I think I'll write a bit about that. It's the very point of writing this letter after all.
 
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